|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/9/2010 10:49:34 PM
|
|
|
walkbygrace
Posts: 391
Joined: 11/6/2009
Status: offline
|
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you're in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of anyone naming dogs like that?" "Helllooooo.....
answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs."
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/16/2010 8:44:42 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
The Army of the Lord
Jon was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed Jon by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Jon replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/16/2010 8:57:22 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?
Well....You'll love this one.
My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought....
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes, Yes I did. I'm a Mustang", he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT SON-OF-A-GUN ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/16/2010 9:00:04 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/16/2010 9:03:36 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
First I Got
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by
appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with
hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and
finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me
hypodermics and inoculations."
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through
that spelling test."
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/17/2010 12:15:59 PM
|
|
|
TheAimes
Posts: 1535
Joined: 10/7/2008
From: Baton Rouge, LA (AKA swamp land)
Status: offline
|
Love those Church Ladies.......
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank heavens for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals..
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community... Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin..
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
_____________________________
Will you accept the call to forsake it all?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/19/2010 5:30:25 PM
|
|
|
walkbygrace
Posts: 391
Joined: 11/6/2009
Status: offline
|
those church bulletins........  oh, those were good. Thanks, I needed that. And the prison vs. work......truth hurts sometimes, doesn't it?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/20/2010 4:26:54 PM
|
|
|
TheAimes
Posts: 1535
Joined: 10/7/2008
From: Baton Rouge, LA (AKA swamp land)
Status: offline
|
Yeah the prison vs work one was funny yet true for me in alot of ways. I get all sorts of these, Now i have a place to share them. YAY
_____________________________
Will you accept the call to forsake it all?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/22/2010 6:48:21 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Anything is possible, you just gotta have faith and believe!!!
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/22/2010 6:49:57 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this
Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is
calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered
Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he
knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body
and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that
he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we
had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name,
address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he
knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one
hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very
concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were entering the
building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone
fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had
tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her
for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/22/2010 6:51:31 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON 'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/22/2010 6:52:57 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish
you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open
a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo
woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got
into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with
the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white
bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I
got it for my husband".
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/22/2010 6:56:21 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished
giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where
he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have
seen in America .
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help
you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star
Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian,
Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu
who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and
doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians,
Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian
ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes
place in the future . . . "
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/22/2010 8:30:28 PM
|
|
|
walkbygrace
Posts: 391
Joined: 11/6/2009
Status: offline
|
Melissa..... Thanks. These are good ones.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/25/2010 3:28:14 PM
|
|
|
walkbygrace
Posts: 391
Joined: 11/6/2009
Status: offline
|
Aha! Please fidget with the pound key faster! Well, you do live in Wyoming afterall.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 2/25/2010 6:48:45 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
40 Fun things to do in an elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you just shut UP!'
2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
5. Shave.
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
12. Do Tai Chi exercises.
13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, TOS motion sickness!'
15. Meow occasionally.
18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'
19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.
21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.
22. Leave a box between the doors.
23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.
25. Start a sing-along.
26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'
27. Play the harmonica.
28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
29. Lean against the button panel.
30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.
31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
33. Bring a chair along.
34. Blow spit bubbles.
35. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
38. EDITED due to TOS
39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'
40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 3/6/2010 2:27:35 AM
|
|
|
Tashilein
Posts: 553
Joined: 9/30/2008
From: Belgium living in Bahrain
Status: offline
|
Just got this clean Catholic joke in mail...
VATICAN HUMOR
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to> his motor cycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 3/6/2010 10:15:20 PM
|
|
|
Nutty4God
Posts: 3930
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: an old oak tree! :)
Status: offline
|
You've Got Mail
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody
public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I
responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home,
I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a
package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband
was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for
ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
_____________________________
My Blog
You know you're in a red-neck church when... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy! :)
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
