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youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 7:06:03 AM
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lucyinthesky
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If your youth pastors marriage is falling apart and his wife has moved in with her sister.He acts as if nothing is wrong and is continuing in his duties.Shouldn't there be some red flags raised and some accountability here?
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 8:05:10 AM
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EsonTheSearcher
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From: Homer, GA
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Well, sounds like something is wrong, but until you know more of the situation it would be better to reserve judgment, After all, you don't know what it going on. His wife may have just got up and left...a youth pastor's I had in 1992 did. There was no fighting, no nothing. For several weeks we knew nothing of what happened until his (ex) MIL came over to the pastor's house and told this story:
"I am so sorry about what my daughter has done. She has been offered a job in Atlanta with the 'Just Say No' campaign. She came and told that she would be leaving her family...husband and both girls. Her career was taking off and she could not be tied down to a family. S0 she just asked for a divorce and got up and left."
Just wait and see.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 8:12:17 AM
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PastorSteveMT
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Agree with the above poster. Until you know for certain what is happening, it's best to leave it in the Lords hands and pray. Don't gossip or deal with what could be false information.
Now if it was confirmed by senior leadership that there was a problem, I would think the best thing would be to give the YP a LOA to deal with his family issues and join together in prayer for their home and family.
The enemy wants to kill and destroy the home and he looks like he is doing a pretty good job of it.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 10:11:17 AM
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chrisb743
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My bestfriend is a youth pastor and he went through a divorce. He caught his wife having a affair.. He was very ashamed and broken and really didn't feel like having all that play out for everyone to see in church.. So he kept it quiet for a while..
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Phil 4:19
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 10:37:41 AM
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rcjames
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chrisb743
My bestfriend is a youth pastor and he went through a divorce. He caught his wife having a affair.. He was very ashamed and broken and really didn't feel like having all that play out for everyone to see in church.. So he kept it quiet for a while..
Did he step down from his Pastor's position?
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 11:02:16 AM
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lucyinthesky
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No he has not stepped down. This is not the first time this has happened.The Senoir Pastor knows they are having problems but it seems to make no difference. It just disturbs me that everybody wants to "assume" its all her when there is apparently something not right here. there have been other instances where it seems that he gets away with everything without having any real accountability.It just disturbs me and wanted some other input.of course I know its hard when you haven't seen or know the things I know.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 11:27:46 AM
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rcjames
Posts: 7683
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From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky
No he has not stepped down. This is not the first time this has happened.The Senoir Pastor knows they are having problems but it seems to make no difference. It just disturbs me that everybody wants to "assume" its all her when there is apparently something not right here. there have been other instances where it seems that he gets away with everything without having any real accountability.It just disturbs me and wanted some other input.of course I know its hard when you haven't seen or know the things I know.
It really does not matter "If its all her" or not, one qualification to be a Pastor is;
(1Ti 3:4) One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
Doesn't sound as though the house is being ruled all that well, that is if what you state is a reality.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 11:34:34 AM
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lucyinthesky
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Unfortunatley I know all too well because i am her. My heart is so broken and I have been made to feel so small and insignificant in this situation I dont know what to do. The only thing I hear him say is that "they" meaning the church supports me". Like I said I hav been made to feel so small and don't understand how when you know your marriage is falling apart that you can just continue to go on like nothing is the matter. It's a long story and i'm just at my wits end.Please don't say anything cruel because my heart ache tooo much already.I have my family and friends to lean on and I know I have Gos ultimatley i just feel so invisible to him and that church.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 11:38:11 AM
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rcjames
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky
Unfortunatley I know all too well because i am her. My heart is so broken and I have been made to feel so small and insignificant in this situation I dont know what to do. The only thing I hear him say is that "they" meaning the church supports me". Like I said I hav been made to feel so small and don't understand how when you know your marriage is falling apart that you can just continue to go on like nothing is the matter. It's a long story and i'm just at my wits end.Please don't say anything cruel because my heart ache tooo much already.I have my family and friends to lean on and I know I have Gos ultimatley i just feel so invisible to him and that church.
If there are problems in the marriage, the husband who is the Pastor must accept responsibility. I would suggest that he step down, at least until the problm is taken care of. If divorce is the untimate outcome he should stay stepped down.
The rest of the requirement in Timothey says;
(1Ti 3:5) (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 11:42:16 AM
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buckifn
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Did you talk to him and his wife, and the church leadership about the subject?
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 11:45:16 AM
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lucyinthesky
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I have talked to him and yes the Senoir and Assc. Pastor know
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 1:37:42 PM
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Judson50
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky
If your youth pastors marriage is falling apart and his wife has moved in with her sister.He acts as if nothing is wrong and is continuing in his duties.Shouldn't there be some red flags raised and some accountability here?
Yes. They should be temporarily removed from their role. (I say they because they are "one flesh")
The conditions for leadership in a Church are clearly outlined in the Bible. And if they aren't meeting those conditions they both need to stop their ministry and work on the heirachy of life ministry:
1.) To God
2.) To their Family
3.) To their local Church.
If you don't live in this hierarchy, then one is in BIG trouble. If we are doing EVERYTHING for God, then we will have a reconciled family life and be an example for the local Church.
Based solely on your comment, this is NOT happening. Therefore, they should not be in ANY leading role. [James 3]
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Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy Proverbs 27:6
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 2:00:30 PM
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crankius
Posts: 3341
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky
Unfortunatley I know all too well because i am her. My heart is so broken and I have been made to feel so small and insignificant in this situation I dont know what to do. The only thing I hear him say is that "they" meaning the church supports me". Like I said I hav been made to feel so small and don't understand how when you know your marriage is falling apart that you can just continue to go on like nothing is the matter. It's a long story and i'm just at my wits end.Please don't say anything cruel because my heart ache tooo much already.I have my family and friends to lean on and I know I have Gos ultimatley i just feel so invisible to him and that church.
((lucyinthesky))
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Your husband has a covenant with you, not with the church.
Since he no longer meets the Scriptural qualifications for being an elder, he needs to step down and tend to his household.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 3:23:40 PM
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SteelCurtain
Posts: 152
Joined: 3/20/2007
From: Virginia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rcjames
quote:
ORIGINAL: chrisb743
My bestfriend is a youth pastor and he went through a divorce. He caught his wife having a affair.. He was very ashamed and broken and really didn't feel like having all that play out for everyone to see in church.. So he kept it quiet for a while..
Did he step down from his Pastor's position?
Thanks
RC
Why would the youth pastor need to step down?
_____________________________
Pray simply, wait sometimes, stick to the path.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 3:28:58 PM
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SteelCurtain
Posts: 152
Joined: 3/20/2007
From: Virginia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crankius
quote:
ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky
Unfortunatley I know all too well because i am her. My heart is so broken and I have been made to feel so small and insignificant in this situation I dont know what to do. The only thing I hear him say is that "they" meaning the church supports me". Like I said I hav been made to feel so small and don't understand how when you know your marriage is falling apart that you can just continue to go on like nothing is the matter. It's a long story and i'm just at my wits end.Please don't say anything cruel because my heart ache tooo much already.I have my family and friends to lean on and I know I have Gos ultimatley i just feel so invisible to him and that church.
((lucyinthesky))
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Your husband has a covenant with you, not with the church.
Since he no longer meets the Scriptural qualifications for being an elder, he needs to step down and tend to his household.
Let's not rush to judgment on the whole pastor/elder thing just yet. We don't know anything here and there are not details given other than the wife coming here and crying out for help. Obviously, from what has been written, there is some very, very poor accountability on the part of this couple's pastor. However, the couple have a responsibility to their marriage before their ministry and should take some time away to heal and to mend and hopefully save a marriage.
What qualifications is this pastor not meeting right now?
_____________________________
Pray simply, wait sometimes, stick to the path.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 3:53:59 PM
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lucyinthesky
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I am not here to bash my husband. I am simply heart broken and crushed because he knows the things that have divided us and yet values the opinion of the church then me. I am dealt with in a manipulative and self righteous manner and I just feel there needs to be a better accountability in dealing with this other then sweeping it under the rug.We have been to counseling but he won't really be honest with the root issue and hides behind the fact that he is a youth pastor therefore he can't be that bad. Whether he wants to admitt to it or not,there is a problem because his wife has moved out. We have been married 5 years and its been the same cycle over and over again. It honestly took me 2 years befor i said anything to anyone. I just feel invisible right now and have felt he should atleast step down and really want to try and fix things so thats what I wanted to know is that too much to ask.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 4:44:03 PM
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crankius
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelCurtain
What qualifications is this pastor not meeting right now?
What we know, from what she has said, is that they are not living together, and their marriage is in trouble. He is not ruling his own household well.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 5:58:39 PM
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rcjames
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelCurtain
Why would the youth pastor need to step down?
Actually it wasn't the OP I was referrencing, I was asking chrisb743 about post 4. But is any Church leader does not have his family in order; then they should step down until he requalifies to minister.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 6:37:31 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hello lucyinthesky
I certainly don't condone divorce, espcially among Christians. However, I don't see anthing in scipture that says one has to drop his calling if a mate leaves. I've seen many instance in which a spouse choses not to follow the Lord in their personal lives.
Now where is the prayers for your youth leader and his situation? That would seem to be the best response.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 6:59:29 PM
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rcjames
Posts: 7683
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From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jn1010lf
Hello lucyinthesky
I certainly don't condone divorce, espcially among Christians. However, I don't see anthing in scipture that says one has to drop his calling if a mate leaves. I've seen many instance in which a spouse choses not to follow the Lord in their personal lives.
How about the qualification for having one's house in order to qualify for leadership?
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 7:27:25 PM
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RJR_fan
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quote:
We have been to counseling but he won't really be honest with the root issue and hides behind the fact that he is a youth pastor therefore he can't be that bad.
Just out of curiosity -- does the man in question have any skills that would equip him for gainful employment in the real world? If not, that might explain a reluctance to step out of the cocoon ...
What would it take to get him up to speed on a real-world profession?
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Meet my beloved mentor, RJR
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/2/2010 8:55:35 PM
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lucyinthesky
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He does have skills but his identity is in bing a youth pastor.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/3/2010 10:53:26 AM
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buckifn
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It sounds like there are a lot of issues besides him being a youth pastor. First of all he has been grossly misled by church leader's if he thinks it's ok to hold a ministry position while his marriage is literally falling apart.
The BIBLE says "ye shall KNOW the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall make you free. John 8:32.
You and your husband needs to be in a church where the TRUTH is taught and upheld.
If your husband is finding his identity in his job then he needs much indiv. counseling. It sounds like he is not secure with himself enough to know how to even begin to give you the security, protection, and love a husband is to give his wife. His primary responsibility is to love you as Christ loves the church.
His actions can only make you feel small and defeated when you allow them to. Take charge of your own self worth and know it comes from God. Intercede for your husband, and for your marriage. Pray God will place the two of you under the spiritual guidance of a Pastor who believes God's Word. Pray that you can be in a church where accountability is required, esp. among leader's.
Pray that God will send the right man into your husbands life to speak TRUTH.
You have great authority and power in Jesus name..use it to open the door for the Holy Spirit to work in your marriage.
This is no time to be weak and feel invisible make your requests known to God. He who sees in secret will reward you openly.
How much time are you spending in the Word? In prayer? In prayer together with your husband? Those are questions to answer to yourself, not us here.
No soldier goes to war without being issued the proper weapons. You are in a spiritual battle for your marriage. Use the weapons you have been given, God's Word, prayer, Godly counsel, wisdom, direction from the Holy Spirit.
Don't worry about anyone at church who seems to be against you. Find Godly people who will stand with you and pray in agreement for your marriage. You came to a good place here to connect with others who can pray too.
There are some good marriage resource sites on the web. I'll try to get time to post a few later. You have to take every thought captive - draw a line in the sand and tell satan you are giving up NO GROUND.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/3/2010 11:36:45 AM
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SteelCurtain
Posts: 152
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From: Virginia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crankius
quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelCurtain
What qualifications is this pastor not meeting right now?
What we know, from what she has said, is that they are not living together, and their marriage is in trouble. He is not ruling his own household well.
It often sounds like we are really quick to kick a pastor out of his position. I'm not disagreeing that if his marriage is in trouble then he should get help for his family. I would personally qualify him to remain in ministry if he takes the steps to get his house in order, that would, to me, show that he is at least working on getting his house in order. It really depends upon the situation and we can't just throw a blanket statement over all pastors.
For example, if a wife chooses to leave her husband and it can be "proven" that it was not his fault but rather just a desire on the part of the wife to leave, then does he still qualify to be a pastor?
Again, I agree that family comes before ministry and I hope this couple can work it out. I, too, am concerned that the leadership of this church is not stepping in. But, we only have one side of the story here, let's not forget.
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Pray simply, wait sometimes, stick to the path.
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RE: youth pastors marriage is falling apart - 3/3/2010 12:05:28 PM
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rcjames
Posts: 7683
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From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelCurtain
For example, if a wife chooses to leave her husband and it can be "proven" that it was not his fault but rather just a desire on the part of the wife to leave, then does he still qualify to be a pastor?
The husband is the head of the house.
The qualifying verse states;
(1Ti 3:4) Church officials must be in control of their own families, and they must see that their children are obedient and always respectful.
(1Ti 3:5) If they don't know how to control their own families, how can they look after God's people?
So it is the fault of the husband (Church leader) if his wife boogies off somewhere. Please reread verse 5 above; if one cannot control their own family, how can they look after God's people.
That's God saying that, not an ideology of RC's.
Step down, get things in order, and then see about ministering once more.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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