|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/7/2010 12:00:49 PM
|
|
|
Ps103
Posts: 13218
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Here, now
Status: offline
|
quote:
Sometimes people date who have been married before, or have had sex even if not married. There may be something that she "likes" and expects that he has no intention of doing. There may be something that she "dislikes" that he thinks is normal and expected. These things should be discussed before commitment to a marriage.
May be more important for the women. Men like just about anything.
Well, let me see if I can help clear it up a little 
Himself was married before, so I do understand that people have histories that happened prior to their meeting and marrying their spouses.
Also, I am a firm believer in pre-marital counselling--good and thorough pre-marital counselling. I think every pastor should *require* it before he marries any couple, and I think that if he finds issues from the past, such as abuse, that have not been dealt with and will likely have an impact on a marriage, he needs to see that they are dealt with *prior* to the happy event.
But, if someone has been married before, or has sinned in the past, they need to leave that in the past.
Bringing up "likes and dislikes" that one acquired through something that occured outside and before the marriage is bringing someone else into the marriage. It is defiling the marriage bed and we are not supposed to do it.
A marriage is two people becoming one, it is not the sum of one person's past marriages, experiences and pecadilloes multiplied by the other person's. That is waaaay too many people in a marriage.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/7/2010 4:44:36 PM
|
|
|
kohls356
Posts: 676
Joined: 8/22/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: LivingParadox
Hopefully a couple moving towards a serious relationship has the ability to talk about such things in a appropriate godly way -- I think this can be done.
This is exactly what I was thinking. I think if a couple is engaged and headed towards marriage then they should be able to discuss this.
I don't think likes and dislikes means you have to have a past or have ever done those things. There are a few things that I just knew I would not like and would not even consider doing without ever having been with a person and I would not want my future spouse expecting or hoping to do such things.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/7/2010 10:27:52 PM
|
|
|
Onecontent
Posts: 123
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
|
roblut4377,
Where are you in terms of this relationship? I agree that the no sex prior to marriage has to be stated up front and precautions have to be put in place so passions do not run away with you.
I also agree that most discussions should take place after the engagement. Most should take place in the context of pre-marital counseling.
Issues like sexual victimization might have to be raised earlier in the relationship. Does the prospective spouse understand that one is attending therapy and on medication to deal with the trauma of rape?
Is it understood that normal sexual activities could bring unforseen problems because one spouse was victimized as a child? Do you really want a father-in-law that molested your wife? (My idiotic brother dumped one girlfriend because she was honest about what had happened and found out years into the marriage that he had married a woman with a worse history of abuse. He did not wish to go to therapy with her.)
What if the topic comes up accidently?
If you went to what was advertised as and action adventure movie such as the Matrix II or III and there was a gratuitous sex scene, how would a couple handle it? Can one make known ones's dislike (or like) of gratuitous scenes in movies without giving ones intended the idea that one has serious issues with sex? Can the couple agree to disagree about sex in movies or popular culture?
What about sexiness in terms of clothing? Can one half of the couple not like what the other has chosen to wear because it is too sexy or sexless? This could be constued as sexual likes or dislikes.
< Message edited by Onecontent -- 3/7/2010 10:34:44 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/7/2010 10:55:06 PM
|
|
|
makarizo
Posts: 2588
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline
|
likes and dislikes based on what???????
when you close your eyes, will you picture someone who helped you realize it was a definite like?
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/8/2010 3:44:29 AM
|
|
|
serasvictoria
Posts: 534
Joined: 7/10/2009
Status: offline
|
My husband and I were both virgins when we were married (I was 23, he was 24), so we didn't have any likes or dislikes yet. We did have things we "thought" might be likes and dislikes, we discussed a few topics as the big day approached, just to make sure we were on the same page though.
_____________________________
Ghosts Were People Too
Christian By Choice, Southern By the Grace of God
www.facebook.com/toriramone
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/8/2010 9:17:30 AM
|
|
|
DaveW
Posts: 4041
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
Bringing up "likes and dislikes" that one acquired through something that occured outside and before the marriage is bringing someone else into the marriage. It is defiling the marriage bed and we are not supposed to do it. I disagree with this. It is not like you somehow you become a totally blank slate and items A B and C that you reeeeellllly liked are now completely neutral, or items x y and z that you could not stand are now to be considered palatable. We are what we are and we all come to the marriage with scars of living in a fallen world. And we need to make allowances for those scars.
Example:
DW was abused badly as a child. There are some things that to me would be nice to try but after even 32 years of marriage are still detestable to her. So they will never happen. Period.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/8/2010 9:18:41 AM
|
|
|
DaveW
Posts: 4041
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Kerrlaw
"Illegal" is one of those concepts that requires witnesses. We need to witness sick birds?? (ill eagle)
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/8/2010 1:59:57 PM
|
|
|
jmics
Posts: 47
Status: offline
|
quote:
Is it appropriate for a male and female to discuss sex and each others sexual likes and dislikes in a relationship?
No. Oftentimes discussing sexual issues in the sense of likes and dislikes causes one's mind to wander where it does not need to wander. And when one starts thinking about these things, and becoming aroused - well, I think we're all old enough to realize that one thing leads to another. I've had many friends who have ended up in bed together after having an "innocent" discussion about sexual likes and dislikes.
Just because someone has a preference about something does not necessarily mean you have someone's face going through your mind. I like my back rubbed, but that does not mean I'm picturing or fantasizing about my ex-boyfriend the massage therapist. Anyone who has had a sexual history cannot erase it and become a blank slate, and it's unreasonable to expect anyone you date/marry to do so.
Discussing sex on a first date as someone suggested - are you serious?? That is completely inappropriate.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/8/2010 4:04:29 PM
|
|
|
Ps103
Posts: 13218
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Here, now
Status: offline
|
We disagree, and that is fine.
I do think though, that if one has gone through something dreadful that they need to deal with it through therapy and not let it rule their lives. Not just for the sake of their spouse, but *for their own sakes.*
Bondage to the past is not something that meshes well with Christianity.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/8/2010 8:33:08 PM
|
|
|
willfs
Posts: 467
Status: offline
|
Here are the opinions of an overly idealistic, naive guy.
I would think you could kinda tell what type of a person you are marrying. If you both have fun when we talking, eating out, hanging out and doing other fun stuff then I think you would enjoy being together in bed.
I also wonder if it's possible to find someone you like so much that, although it would be about fulfilling a strong physical desire, if one person wasn't interested in sex near as much as the other, they would still love being with each other for other reasons. And the couple wouldn't have to perform certain specific acts for the sexl life to be great.
But I might be niave.
I am not saying two individuals shouldn't have some kind of talk at some point before marriage. I am just throwing those ideas out there.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/9/2010 7:30:27 AM
|
|
|
DaveW
Posts: 4041
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
I would think you could kinda tell what type of a person you are marrying. If you both have fun when we talking, eating out, hanging out and doing other fun stuff then I think you would enjoy being together in bed......
But I might be niave. Yeah - you are naive. You can have all kinds of fun but when that time comes (especially if you are both inexperienced) you have no idea how you will react or even if you will like being intimate. Many have had so much negative preaching as young children that does not even register until that situation occurs. Then it may come in like a tsunami.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 6:34:36 AM
|
|
|
willfs
Posts: 467
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
::wonders if someone who has sexual likes and dislikes is an appropriate person for you to be dating::
I don't understand why?
DAve W. and the rest of the crew on this thread. So how do you discuss sex with someone you are dating/engaged to or whatever???? I haven't read the rest of this thread. Can someone bring me up to speed?
And if I am getting close to being innapropriate here tell me. I wouldnt' want to get this thread closed.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 6:43:51 AM
|
|
|
DaveW
Posts: 4041
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
Dave W. and the rest of the crew on this thread. So how do you discuss sex with someone you are dating/engaged to or whatever???? That is just the point. You don't. If you are engaged, the discussions on sexual issues should occur with the counselors in private. Guys with the male counselor and gals with the female counselor.
quote:
And if I am getting close to being innapropriate here tell me. I wouldnt' want to get this thread closed.
I am not a mod but I do not see anything inappropriate in your posts.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 9:42:01 AM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1554
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
wonders if someone who has sexual likes and dislikes is an appropriate person for you to be dating::
I never knew there was a person alive who don't have them.
I think it should be a law that no couple can get married without x amount of time spent in counseling about this topic and MANY more.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 11:37:10 AM
|
|
|
Ps103
Posts: 13218
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Here, now
Status: offline
|
quote:
I never knew there was a person alive who don't have them.
Maybe we are all talking about different things here, but what I am talking about one does not acquire until one has sex...
quote:
I think it should be a law that no couple can get married without x amount of time spent in counseling about this topic and MANY more.
I agree with this fully.
In this state they actually tried to make pre-marital counseling mandatory in an effort to drive down the appalling divorce rate. They didn't pass a law that said "You must have pre-marital counseling before you will be allowed to obtain a marriage license," they made two different prices for marriage licenses: one that was ~$25.00 and was for those who had received counseling, and the other was ~$120.00 for those who had not. You could get the counseling from whatever source you wished, and almost all churches offer it for free. The city adult education offered if for an *extremely reasonable* rate, and iirc, the fees would be waived if the couple absolutely could not afford it. A friend of mine is a pastor and he was the counselor for the class for 2 years. In those two years he did not get a single couple wanting counseling.
Almost every couple applying for a marriage license was willing to pay five times more for a license to avoid pre-marital counseling--even if the counseling was free or almost free.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 11:46:36 AM
|
|
|
Ps103
Posts: 13218
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Here, now
Status: offline
|
I just checked and they have changed this a little. Now a marriage license is ~$100, but if you have an affidavit saying you have completed x hours of marriage counseling from an approved source you get a $60 discount.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 11:52:49 AM
|
|
|
doinkdom
Posts: 5362
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
Status: offline
|
IMO, it is a slippery slope to discuss sexual details, graphic descriptions, etc. outside of marriage. First...it implies the marriage will be based on sex and while that is one of the awesome benefits, it is NOT a reason to get married. It also gives some "fuel" to the fantasy fire that both men and women struggle with.
When we do pre-marital counseling, the goal is not to approve the marriage, but to explore all aspects of marriage so both parties have eyes wide open when they say "I do." The pre-marital sexual conversation takes up two weeks of the alloted time with a few red-faced, but necessary moments to gain a real understanding of any expectations.
_____________________________
Our furball Niko, lounging around...
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/10/2010 1:55:18 PM
|
|
|
DaveW
Posts: 4041
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
I just checked and they have changed this a little. Now a marriage license is ~$100, but if you have an affidavit saying you have completed x hours of marriage counseling from an approved source you get a $60 discount. Depends on the jurisdiction. That is the case in the Peoples' Republic of Maryland, but not so a few miles to the south in the Commonwealth of Virginia.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Discussing Sex - 3/11/2010 5:57:15 PM
|
|
|
willfs
Posts: 467
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
quote:
I never knew there was a person alive who don't have them.
Maybe we are all talking about different things here, but what I am talking about one does not acquire until one has sex...
I am still confused. If you are talking about what I think you are then you have compelety underestimated the imagination and sex drive of most men. PS103, I am not trying to knock you because you say a lot of smart stuff. I am also partially kidding. I also may not know what you are talking about.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
Vinegar!!!!
